Finding her...

Explaining what I am feeling these days is something I can't quite do because it's a lot of emotions. I have tried to get it into words, but the only words that keep coming to my mind are I love him.  I saw a quote on Pinterest that said: "She fell in love with his soul before she could touch his skin. If that isn't love, then I don't know what is." - Bianca Lamarre I think it perfectly describes everything. I have met a man who is good and kind and funny and caring. He works hard. He plays hard. He loves his family. He loves God. He is loyal and smart and charming and man, oh man, is he handsome. When I look in his eyes, it's like all of the world's problems disappear. My heart skips a beat when my phone lights up with his name. My heart races when he pulls into my driveway and sits next to me on the porch. We laugh. We talk. We listen to music. He listens to me. He lets me be me. He gives me the best advice.  He checks on me to make sure I'm ok. ...

I am a certified over thinker who needs to learn to run from her own mind... Have you ever anticipated something so much that you were terrified that when it happened, you were going to be disappointed? That's been me. I have been waiting for something, so small, yet so meaningful, and I was scared to death that it wouldn't be what I had pictured.  Sunday night, I received something I had been longing for, and I am still smiling from ear to ear. A simple hug was all I needed. It sounds crazy, but in that moment, my entire world was at peace. I could breathe. I was safe.  I'm not sure where this path will take me or how this will end up. I gave it to God months ago and that's all I can do. Trust that His plan is greater than mine.  I didn't see this coming.  But here I go.  Oh, how this heart of mine loves. 

This one has been hard this week. I found myself crying, multiple times, and didn't really know why. All I knew was that my heart was in pain.  Was it hurting because of loss? Was it longing? Was it regret? Was it frustration? Was it disappointment? Was it hurt? Was it that I let myself get so caught up in loving others that I forgot to love myself? Was it that I was let down, again? Was it that I was ignored, again? Was it that I couldn't see past my own damn feelings and desires to see the truth? Guess what. It was all of the above.  And man, oh, man, did it teach me a lesson. I've known all along that I had hopes that would be shattered and I ignored it. I ignored it like a plague. I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see what was right in front of my face...because I am stubborn as hell when I know I want something.  But, sometimes, we are not supposed to have everything we want. And as much as it hurts now, I know I will get over it. One day, I will look b...

It's pouring rain here today and I am alone in the house. It's giving me some time to think.  Just as the rain is flooding, my emotions have flooded my soul, especially this week. I have been in denial with some of the things I have been feeling, and I have not allowed myself to feel them for fear that they would crush me. But that's the thing about flooding...it washes away the bad and creates space for the good and new. I'm trying to allow myself to surrender to the feelings, but it is overwhelming me and I am not sure I am ready to feel all of this.  Pain. Heartache. Love. Frustration. Longing. Hope. Aggravation. Disappointment. Fear. Hurt.  It's all there. Some emotions from the past, but most of them from the here and now. I have opened myself up just to be left to bleed. It's what I do. I care too much. I hope too much. I love too deep and far too much for my own good. It's breaking me and I don't know how to stop it. I keep getting my hopes up onl...

I'm the type of person that goes after what I want. I have a hard time sitting back and waiting for things to happen when I've made up my mind.  BUT...In this season, I have done a lot of sitting back and letting things take their time. It's been tough for me as I am not patient and I am pretty quick to decide what it is that I want. I am honestly so happy that I have worked through my impatience with a situation and been able to be still. It's paying off...BIG.  Just like that, a fire has been lit in my soul that cannot be put out. I have never felt this way and it scares the hell out of me. It scares me, but amazingly enough, it calms my spirit and gives me peace.  More to come...hopefully.