Finding her...

As I lay in bed last tonight reflecting on my first 40 years, I couldn’t help but think of how I want my next 40 years to go. So, I made a list.  1. Be strong. Not hardened. 2. Be strong. Not skinny.  3. Give kindness away like it’s the air you breathe.  4. Live your truth and don’t worry about what others think about it. Do you.  5. Hike more. Lots more.  6. Love with all your heart, even when you know it’s going to hurt like hell if it gets broken.  7. Be still and let God do His work. Trust His plan.  8. Choose people who choose you.  9. Say yes to yourself more often than you say no.  10. Build more fires. 11. Travel more. Go see Ireland. Go see Tuscany. Go see Venice. Go see the Grand Canyon. Go see Alaska. Go see Australia.  12. Dance. Always.  13. Never give anyone power over you but you.  14. Keep taking chances.  15. Stay wild.  I can’t wait to write my next 40 chapters! 

Life can be funny sometimes. Just when you least expect it, something will come out of the blue and knock you off the track you thought you were supposed to be on. This week, I have been knocked off that track and I have rediscovered what fun is to me.  Sometimes, that jolt comes from a person. Sometimes, it's an event. Sometimes, it knocks you on your ass so you can pick yourself up again.  I've been knocked on my ass this week. My mind has been blown and my spirit has been fed a feast. I have LIVED this week and have enjoyed every single second of it. If you've been a part of this week, I thank you. I am picking myself up...with the help of a few friends. Some old, some new. Either way, I am one lucky (almost) 40 year old badass.  Lesson #5: I get knocked down, but I get up again. 

In life, as you take on new adventures, you have to let go of something. It's our soul's way of making room for better things.  I have always been someone who loves new adventures, but I also seriously struggle with letting go. Because I am someone who lets people in easily, I often get hurt, badly, when I have to let them go. I am struggling with letting go right now. It comes in waves and hits me out of nowhere. When it rushes over me, I either cry or get angry. Lately, it's been more crying than anger.  I have cried over losing a friendship that was very dear to me more in the last week than I have cried in a while. It's been very painful to try and let go, and my heart has been hurting. It's a very strange thing to me as I don't think I realized how much I genuinely cared about this person and enjoyed their friendship until they were gone. I have accepted that I may never get closure, but I have prayed for this person day in and day out, and it's the onl...

All week last week, I was anticipating a night out last night, for multiple reasons. I was so nervous and tried to cancel before I was supposed to be there. But something in me told me to go and have fun. I am SO glad I did. It was the best night I have had in a very long time. 😊 On the way home, I remembered that I am not a nervous person. Honestly, I can talk to anyone and everyone, but for some reason, I had been nervous. The more I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that I was only nervous because I have not been living for so long that I forgot what it felt like. I forgot what it felt like to do things that I like to do. Not that I haven't done anything I like to do, but I think I have been reserved and said no to things that I really should've said yes to.  Yes, the girl who doesn't say no to others often says no to herself. So, I decided that this week is my birthday week (I will be the big 4-0 on Saturday), and starting now, I am going to say yes to myself....

John Green wrote “That’s the thing about pain. It demands to be felt.”  Boy, have I been trying to avoid feeling pain like the plague lately. I’ve pushed it aside to keep from feeling it and this week has been hard. I had to let myself feel all of the pain and it was extremely overwhelming.  Last night, I took one more shot at “fixing” something that I’m not even sure how it broke. And rejection took over again and I felt so much pain that I couldn’t breathe. I cried. I prayed. I gave it to God.  And something strange happened. I slept. And when I woke at 3am, the pain was less. Today, I spent time doing things I love to do and one thing I didn’t love to do (I may share that later), and it felt good. I cared for myself today, and I put myself first, which is often really hard for me to do.  So tonight, as I sit on my porch listening to the sounds of crickets, the pain is subsiding. It’s not completely gone, but it isn’t making me feel sick anymore. I’ve done all I ca...

Welcome! Recently, I have made some huge life changes. Through this process, I am learning a lot about who I am and who I want to be. One of the things I have always known about myself is that I am expressive and when I cannot express myself, it truly hurts my soul and leaves a nasty scar. So, this blog was created to allow me to express myself and be true to my heart. Join me on the journey of rediscovering my purpose. It may get a little weird, but that's just who I am. :)  Last night, a very good friend that I have known my entire life called me out of the blue. He had heard through the grapevine all that I have been going through and he wanted to call and give me his support. During the conversation, he took time to remind me of a few things, and it went something like this: -You know, when we were in third grade, you gave Jeff a bloody nose and pummeled him with your little red pocketbook because he wouldn't quit pulling your hair. In fifth grade, at your birthday party, t...