Rain...

It's pouring rain here today and I am alone in the house. It's giving me some time to think. 

Just as the rain is flooding, my emotions have flooded my soul, especially this week. I have been in denial with some of the things I have been feeling, and I have not allowed myself to feel them for fear that they would crush me. But that's the thing about flooding...it washes away the bad and creates space for the good and new. I'm trying to allow myself to surrender to the feelings, but it is overwhelming me and I am not sure I am ready to feel all of this. 

Pain. Heartache. Love. Frustration. Longing. Hope. Aggravation. Disappointment. Fear. Hurt. 

It's all there. Some emotions from the past, but most of them from the here and now. I have opened myself up just to be left to bleed. It's what I do. I care too much. I hope too much. I love too deep and far too much for my own good. It's breaking me and I don't know how to stop it. I keep getting my hopes up only to be let down and shattered. I have to separate myself and withdraw now. It's the only thing that will keep me whole. I can't do this to myself...but I fear I'm too far gone. I wanted to jump, head first. No brakes. But I can't. I can't fall like this. 

I will not let myself drown. I am too strong a swimmer. I deserve more. I deserve the cleansing after the flood. 

So, bring on the rain so I can start anew. 

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