Soul food...

I hardly have the words to describe what this past week has been. I have honestly never felt this way. Ever. 

I've never felt so safe. I have never felt so completely understood. I have never felt so free to be me. 

We've already established that I am an overthinker. When I get in my head, it sometimes causes me to become extremely anxious. That's exactly what happened over the weekend. I started hearing the voices in my head telling me I wasn't good enough and that I didn't deserve to be happy. I tried hard to push them out, but I became completely overwhelmed and struggled with panic attacks for several days. 

And then, a beautiful thing happened. 

I was in the midst of an attack Monday night and my phone rang. I saw his name and immediately had a sense of calm. After being on the phone for only a few minutes, he asked me what was wrong. He could tell something wasn't right. I told him I didn't know that I could talk to him about it and he reminded me that there's nothing we can't talk about.  So, I confessed. I told him how I have been feeling...nervous about where we were, not sure of anything, and scared to death about how much I care for him. I told him that I am not sure exactly how he feels about me and it terrifies me to care this much for him. And you know what? He told me to calm down and breathe. He told me that he cares very much for me, too, and that he struggles with expressing his feelings with words. He assured me that he isn't going anywhere and he reminded me that I am still going through a process that is very hard. He reassured me that he is here for me and I just need to breathe and not worry. That what is meant to be, will be. 

And my soul was fed and I was calmed. Just the sound of his voice was enough, but his kindness and gentleness with my heart set me on fire. He let me be me and express myself. And he didn't judge me or put me down or make me feel crazy. He understood. He gave me exactly what I needed...reassurance that I am worthy and that God has a plan in all of this. 

I don't know what will happen with us, but I know this. He helps me be the best me that I can be. I will never be able to thank him enough. He has been my rock. 


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